Kathy the Conqueror August 17, 2010

This is just a short blog to tell you my war story.

Last night around 10:00 PM I was sitting on the couch enjoying the television shows that Joe never wants to watch.  Joe was already long gone to bed.  All of a sudden I heard a sound like a pebble falling that landed on the ceramic floor around the fireplace.  I looked over and didn't see anything.  No windows were open, so I just ignored it.  About a second later this HUGE bee started buzzing through the air.  Now, I'm not afraid of bees, but this thing was so huge and flew SO FAST that I couldn't even get a good look at it.  I just knew it was not like any bee I've seen, it had a big body and long wings.

I jumped up and grabbed my newspaper and started to try to smack it.  The thing kept flying high to the ceiling so I couldn't get it good and also it was so fast that I didn't come close to hitting it anyway.  It just kept flying and buzzing like crazy.  And I kept swinging at it because NO WAY was that thing going to stay in the house when I went to bed!  This went on for like 10 minutes.  Finally I decided to open the sliding glass door that goes out back and try to swoosh it out the door.  Which involved me unlocking the door with the key (everything here unlocks from the inside AND the outside with a key), then unlocking the regular lock and then pulling HARD on the door to get it to open.  (This door wouldn't open when we moved in and we had to get a locksmith out here.  Turns out it wasn't the lock, but the door hadn't been opened in years and was basically stuck shut from debris in the slider.  So now we are trying to work it lose day by day).  But, I digress.  So with the door open and the cold air coming in I continued my pursuit.  I went from frantic swats of trying to kill him and swooshing the paper and trying to lead him out.  Nothing seemed to work.  I tell you that thing was a speed racer!

Suddenly there was silence!  I didn't see it go out but it must have.  There was no sound at all.  I shut the door, locked it and went back to my show.  Not five minutes later the stupid thing started up again!  Now it was really getting me mad.  I unlocked the door and opened it again.  I made another attack without success as he flew just out of my reach, landing on the ceilings and up in the window curtains where I couldn't reach him.  About this time I decided that I'd better close off the living room because if it flew into the rest of the house I'd never catch it.  We have two sets of double doors that close the living room off (thank goodness).  I shut those and felt like this was it.  It was he and I and I was determined to be the last man standing.  I turned toward the thing with a new vigor and went into a wild frenzy violently swinging the paper at him for another 5 minutes and then again...silence.  This time I thought maybe I'd got him for sure.  I hadn't seen him fall but in my crazy attack mode I could have missed it.  I stood for a minute and no sound.  Again I closed and locked the door and went back to the TV.

Another few minutes goes by and he flies out of hiding again!!   I know he is probably mad as a hornet (to coin a phrase) but I was MAD too!  I flung the back door open again and was determined that this time I would not be fooled.  The thing was  going to be attacked until I saw it dead or outside.  I was not falling for his little hiding tricks so he could rest up again!  I tell you I was so close to getting  Joe up, but he had been extra tired that night and I just couldn't do it.  With my newspaper rolled into the perfect swatting machine I went crazy on that thing.  Swinging at anything and everything.  Sometimes I would get going and lose track of where he was.  Just about that time he'd buzz my head and I'd run and turn around to try to beat him back.  He was such a huge ugly beast.  I was swinging in circles as he dive bombed from ceiling to furniture to windows.  This went on for several minutes.  I had him close to the door, but he kept staying up so high that the idiot was above the door.  And then again silence!  "You're not fooling me this time", I thought.  So I proceeded to search.  I thought he was in the top of the curtains near the ceiling.  So I kept slapping the curtains with the newspaper.  I even got behind the curtains and stuck the paper underneath the rod and above them slapping and slapping trying to scare him into flight.  But I guess he was educated by now.  He remained quiet.  So I sat down for a rest (with cool air coming in and by now a few smaller bugs).  After a few minutes I quietly got up and peeked underneath the valences that hung down over the top of the sliding door and there he was!  I hit that valence so hard he was thrown straight out the back door.  HURRAY!  I closed the back door as fast as I could and locked it! I was so happy and proud that I had won and he was gone.  I sat down on the couch to relax once more and do you know that stupid bee kept slamming itself into the outside of the window that was next to my couch! He did that for like a half an hour!  I'd hear the ping of his body hitting the window and look out, there he'd be!  It took all my reserve not to get up and do a nanny nanny boo boo dance.  Can you imagine if he would have gotten a hold of me? I would have been filled with holes!  LOL